Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. Please choose from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969696.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, and mother’s maiden name.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.